One of the Boys (The Scout House)

[Rose Quartz is having a tea party on the lawn, while Calvin is looking at food in the refrigerator.]

Calvin: "Okay, let's see what we got." *he begins rummages through the fridge* "Kale...tofu.."quin-o-ah"?"

Ferrell: "I think it's called quinoa." [It actually says keen-wah] [Calvin tastes the quinoa and immediately spits it up.]

Calvin: "I'd call it quin-blah! All this rabbit food can only mean one thing: Lamirar’s on another health food kick."

[Ferrell sighs and thinks about Lamirar wearing a pair of trunks while walking on a beach.]

Ferrell: "No wonder her skin glows like a Caribbean sunset..."

Calvin: "Are you picturing her on the beach again?!"

Ferrell: "Uh, no!!" *pops his thought bubble and grins sheepishly. *

[Calvin finds a jar of peanut butter in the back of the fridge.]

Calvin: "Ooh, peanut butter! Now we're talking'!" [He scoops up the peanut butter with his fingers and messily eats it.]

[Rose Quartz enters the kitchen to put her tea party set away and notices Rose Quartz eating the peanut butter.]

Rose Quartz: "Ewww, Calvin! Have a little class!" [She exits the kitchen, disgusted.]

[Topaz then enters the kitchen with her dummy Flynn Chips performing a ventriloquist act.]

Topaz: *Speaking as Flynn Chips* "That's all for sports, and now the weather." [Calvin burps as she talks.]

Topaz: *Still speaking as Flynn Chips* "It's cloudy with a chance of..." [She now talks as herself] "You're disgusting."

[Topaz exits the room]

Calvin: *sighs* "My whole life is like this."

Ferrell: "What are you talking about, Linka?! You got it made; one girl surrounded by ten awesome sisters!"

Calvin: "Oh, Ferrell. Sweet, sweet, innocent Ferrell."

[Several flashbacks of his sisters causing his distress.]

[The first Flashback begins with all the girls waiting in line for the bathroom. The line moves slowly as Calvin gets more and more impatient; Cuts to a point where it is now Calvin’s turn to use the bathroom.]

Calvin: "Finally!" [e enters the bathroom, but quickly runs out.] "Gah! Forgot my loofah!"

[Calvin returns to the bathroom only to see another long line has already formed since he left.]

Calvin: "Dang it!!"

[The second flashback begins, and starts with Calvin walking down the stairs.]

Calvin: *shouting out* "Mom! I'm off to see Poppy!"

[His sisters ambush her after hearing that she's going to see Poppy.]

His sisters: "You're meeting Poppy?!"

[They all crowd up on him and talk over each other, grooming him while telling him what he should do before meeting her,]

Sapphire: "In that shirt?!"

Ruby: "Ho ho! You call that posture?!"

Diamond: "And what about your hair?!"

Lamirar: "Are you wearing clean underwear?"

[The third flashback plays; the kids are having a sibling meeting in Lamirar and Diamond's room.]

Lamirar: "Okay people, I'm accepting ideas on how we should spend the day."

Calvin: *raising his hand* "Ooh, ooh!! We could go to Skyland!!"

Sisters: *All decline, making a buzzer noise while give her a thumbs down. *

Calvin: "Okay... How about George's Games and Grub!"

[His sisters denied again, doing the same thing as before, making a buzzer noise while give him a thumbs down.]

Calvin: "How about-"

[The girls do the exact same thing a third time before he could suggest anything else.]

Lamirar: "I know some place we'd all like!"

[The scene then cuts to all the sisters having a good time at the mall while Calvin sits on a bench - alone and angry.]

[The fourth and final flashback begins, in this one Calvin is sitting on his bed, playing a handheld video game.]

Calvin: "Ow, ow, ow!! Thumb cramp!!!"

[His sisters all barge into his room.]

Sisters: "Awwww, poor Calvo!!"

Lamirar: "Oh, here's Bit-Bit!" [She offers his stuffed rabbit.]

Diamond: *holding Lilac* "Let Lilac kiss your boo-boo better!!"

Rose Quartz and Sapphire: *unrolling bandages* "Gauze! Stat!"

Emerald: [She runs into the room with an AED.] "Clear!!"

[She shocks Calvin as the camera pans out of his room and his scream can be heard.]

[When the flashbacks end, the scene returns with Ferrell and Calvin in the kitchen together.]

Ferrell: "Hmm, I see your point"

Calvin: "I tell you, Ferrell, sometimes I wish I had ten brothers." [he continues eating the peanut butter as he was doing before.]

[Emerald enters the kitchen and snatches the peanut butter away from him.]

Emerald: "And I wish you would not eat our communal peanut butter with your booger-picking finger!"

Calvin: "See what I mean?"

Emerald: *in examination* "Hmmm..."

[That night, Calvin is sound asleep when all the sudden, a shadow casts over him. He wakes up to find that it's Emerald. He yelps at her sudden appearance and grabs the light chain, turning on the light.]

Emerald: "I've been pondering your wish from earlier."

Calvin: "My wish?"

Emerald: "Yes. I think I can help you out." *pulls a wristwatch of some sort. * "This wristwatch can transport you to an alternate dimension in which you'll have ten brothers."

Calvin: *sarcastic* "Riiiiiight..." *gets down from chain* "Emerald, I think you've been playing with too many kiddie chemicals."

[Emerald presses the button on the watch and a portal opens up.]

Calvin: *astonished* "Holy Moly! Awesome!" *proceeds to enter it, but then stops* "Wait. Why are you doing this for me?"

Emerald: "I need beta testers. Now, are we doing this, or am I sending Sapphire to a dimension where he’s a toad?"

Calvin: "Oh, we're doing it!"

Emerald: "One word of caution: you only have 24 hours to return home. Otherwise, you'll be stuck there forever."

Calvin: "Got it!" *grabs the watch and puts it on* "Let's do this!" [A timer starts ticking down from the 24 hour limit.]

Emerald: "Good luck. I gotta go break the bad news to Sapphire."

[Emerald pushes Calvin into the portal as she screams.]

[Calvin comes out on the other end of the portal and it closes. Everything seems the same.]

Calvin: "Hmm... this doesn't look like a different dimension."

[Just then, a male version of Lamirar comes out texting on his phone.]

Leonardo: "That is literally LOL! Hurry up, Donatello! Time to go!"

[Donatello, the male version of Diamond, walks into the doorway.]

Donatello: "Ooh! Whoa. Leonardo, who moved the doorway?"

[Enter a male version of Amethyst.]

Anthony: "I'm ready, brah!" *strums his guitar; in a British accent* "Let's rock!"

[A male version of Topaz along with a female version of Flynn Chips.]

Thomas: *speaking as his dummy* "I wooden miss it!" *speaking as himself now and giggling* "Good one, Flora Chips!"

[The four boys head downstairs much to Calvin’s confusion. A male version of Ruby enters.]

Rusty: *carrying a football* "62! Hut!"

[He is followed by a male version of Onyx.]

Ono: "Sigh." *closes door*

[Enter a male version of Sapphire with a sea frog as a horn blasts at him.]

Samuel: "Quit honking, Roscoe, or you'll get a sea frog down your fursuit!"

[Roscoe, the male version of Rose Quartz, is driving what looks like Rose Quartz’s boat only stylized as a military jeep with an angry face painted on it.]

Roscoe: "Touch me, and I'm telling!" *honks* "MOM!"

[The male twins start fighting, as a male version of Emerald appears.]

Elmore: "Can you Cro-Magnons diminish the cacophony so our youngest sibling can suspend consciousness?"

[Lincon, the male version of Lilac cries.]

Twins: "Speak English, Elmore!"

Elmore: "Shut your pie-holes so Lincoln can nap!"

[Calvin, still puzzled, looks at the watch and realizes that it worked.]

Calvin: "Holy Moly!"

[The remaining brothers head downstairs.]

Elmore: "Will you be joining us, Calvin?"

Calvin: *disgusted* "Ugh. Where are we going? The mall?"

[All taunt and laugh]

Rusty: "Yeah, right."

Leonardo: "What is this, an episode of a hit cartoon that overuses gender stereotypes? You are literally hilarious, Calvin! We're going to Skyland. It was your idea."

Calvin: "Sweet! My sisters would never all wanna go to Skyland!"

Donatello: *walks into the front doorway; confused* "Sisters?"

Calvin: "Uh... you know, the nuns. They hate amusement parks." *laughs nervously and follows the rest of his brothers to the van. *

[Donatello shrugs and closes the door on his way out.]

[The van drives across Royal Bottom while the boys are cheering.]

Leonardo: "Yes! Skyland was awesome!"

Thomas: "Great idea, Linka."

Anthony: "Yeah, way to go, bro."

Brothers: "You're the man, Calvin!"

Calvin: *burps* "Whoops. Sorry."

Rusty: "You should be sorry, 'cause that was weak!" *makes a bigger belch*

Samuel: "Ha. That was nothing. Check this." *farts with armpit*

Leonardo: "Oh, yeah? Well, nothing beats the real thing." *farts for real*

[The boys cheer Leonardo on and stop at George's Games N' Grub.]

Leonardo: "Chow time, boys."

Calvin: "George's Games N' Grub? No way!" *zooms inside*

[Five pizzas are put on their table.]

Leonardo: "Five pies for ten guys!"

Thomas: "I sure hope Mom and Dad gave us enough dough!" *laughs* "Get it?"

[Calvin picks up a slice, but realizes what he's touching it with.]

Calvin: *bummed* "Sorry, I'm touching the pizza with my booger-picking finger."

Leif: "Are you kidding me? You use your finger for your booger picking? I use my thumb!" *puts thumb in nostril*

[The boys all tell Calvin what they pick their boogers with, each with a different part of their hands... or their feet, which makes his happy]

[Calvin looks at how much time is left.]

Calvin: "Only 12 more hours. I wish this didn't have to end." *gets an idea* "Wait. Why does it have to? What if I didn't go back?" *Runs upstairs where his brothers are playing hockey in the hallway and tosses the wristwatch in the trashca. .* "Guys, guess what? I'm staying!"

[The boys look with perplex]

Leonardo: "Okay."

Anthony: "Whatever."

[Rusty belches]

Calvin: "Hang on, sises! Let me grab my Hockey stick!"

[He runs into where his room would but crashes into a shelf, apparently in this dimension, the linen closet, where her room should be, is still a linen closet.]

Calvin: "Uh, hey..." *Sees them charging and gets out of the way. * "Rusty! Heh...where's my room?"

Rusty: "Right where it always is, weirdo."

[It turns out Calvin bunks with Rusty and Ono. It looks she shares a bunk bed with Rusty, and Ono sleeps in a vampire coffin.]

Calvin: "Three of us live in here?"

[Ono rises from out of his coffin.]

Rusty: "Where else would we sleep? The linen closet?" *laughs*

Calvin: *checking her top bunk* "Hey, where's Bit-Bit?"

Ono: "Anthony flushed him."

Rusty: "Ono gave her a very dignified funeral."

Ono: "Thank you."

Calvin: *devastated* "Not Bit-Bit!"

Rusty: "Well..." *yawns* "... night, little bro." *roughly punches Calvin’s arm*

Calvin: *rubbing his arm* "Ow!"

[That night, as Calvin tries to get some sleep, a swarm of bats comes out of his pillow and he screams in horror.]

Ono: "Oh. There's my bat colony."

[The next morning, Calvin wakes up to find Ono’s bat colony over his head and then screams in horror and falls onto the floor.]

Rusty: "One for waking me." *punches Calvin right into Lucy’s coffin. *

Calvin: "Ow."

Ono: *rises out of coffin* "And one for scratching my coffin." *punches Calvin*

Calvin: *rubbing his arm* "Ow." *realizes something* "No line for the bathroom? Sweet!" *rushes in*

[However, the bathroom is a total and complete mess, causing Calvin scream in discuss.]

Anthony: *yawning* "What's your damage, bro? You woke me up."

Calvin: "Look! The bathroom is disgusting!"

Anthony: "You're right, bro. We can't live like this. Let's go clean it! We'll start with the toilet!" *grabs Calvin*

Calvin: "Huh? Hey hey hey!"

[The door then closes]

Anthony: "Swirly time, dude!"

[Calvin screams at the swirly he's given by Anthony; He comes out with his brothers laughing at his cost.]

Thomas: "How's it goin', Stinvin?"

[Calvin then trips over and hurts his thumb.]

Calvin: "Ow!"

Donatello: "Aw, you're fine. Shake it off."

[Lincoln crawls up to Linka.]

Calvin: "Lincon? You wanna kiss my boo-boo and make it better?" [Lincon bites Calvin’s thumb.] "OW!"

Leonardo: "Kiss your boo-boo?"

[As the boys continue to laugh, Calvin sucks his thumb since no one will kiss it to make it feel better.]

[Calvin is topless.]

Calvin: "Does nobody do laundry?"

Rusty: *picking his nose with his big toe* "Oh, yeah! Got a winner!" [The twins are wearing Calvin's fursuit.]

Calvin: "Uh, why are you guys wearing my fursuit?"

Samuel: "Duh, 'cause ours were dirty."

Calvin: "Well, now I don't have any clean ones, and I'm supposed to hang out with Poppy!"

Leonardo: [snobbishly] "Ooh, the prince needs a clean fursuit when he sees his princess!"

Brothers: "Ooooooooooh!" *laugh*

Calvin: *visibly blushing* "Cut it out, guys!"

Thomas: "You know, if you wear your under fursuit higher, you won't need a FURSUIT!" [pulls Calvin’s pants upward on the word "fursuit", giving his somewhat of an inverse wedgie and laughs.]

Calvin: *sarcastically* "Thanks a lot." *pulls under fursuit down* "I don’t know how you did that, but I need clean underwear, too."

Thomas: "I'm just playing', bro." *ruffles Calvin’s hair*

Calvin: "Ah, come on! I just combed my hair."

Brothers: *taunting* "OOOOOOOHHH!!!"

Samuel: "PILE ON ROMEO!"

[Calvin screams as all his brothers, except Lincon, pile on top of him.]

Leonardo: "Guys, Dutch oven, Scout House style!"

[They all fart on Calvin.]

Anthony: "Say uncle!"

Calvin: "Uncle!"

[They all get off Calvin and cheer proudly for their Dutch oven. Calvin, however, is not happy.]

Calvin: :* groans and shouts* WHY DO THESE REENACTMENTS HAVE TO BE SIMILAR TO THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT!? *sighs then to the audience* "Remember what I said about staying here forever? Yeah. That's not happening." *Sees that he only has 5 minutes before it's too late. * "Phew. I still have five minutes to get back." [Checks the wastebasket he through the watch in but it was not there.] "Where is it?" Roscoe: "Whoa! Check out this sweet watch!" *holds the dimensional wristwatch*

Calvin: "Hey, that's mine!"

Roscoe: "Finders, keepers, loser!" *runs off with it*

Calvin: "No! I need that!" *Chases after Roscoe and falls down the stairs.]

[Roscoe tosses it to Anthony.]

Donatello: *laughing* "Keep away with Uncle Calvin’s watch!"

Anthony: "Oops!" *tosses it to Donatello*

Calvin: "You guys, this is serious!" *Sees this dimension's version of driver man and gets an ide. .* "PILE ON DRIVER!"

[Their das runs away screaming and the biys run off to pile on him. Calvin manages to grab his watch as they charge off.]

Driver man: "UNCLE UNCLE UNCLE!"

[There are only a few seconds left.]

Calvin: "Phew. Just in time."

Rusty: "Hey, Stinvin, I almost forgot something." *he shot with a water gun to Calvin and runs off laughing*

[Calvin sighs, activates the portal, and jumps in screaming.]

[Calvin makes it through the portal and ends up back in her linen closet room. However...]

Calvin: "My room!" *sees a familiar stuffed friend* "Bit-Bit!" *grabs Bit-Bit and cuddles him* "It worked!"

[The lights turn on and reveals his brothers are still here.]

Leonardo: "Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?"

Calvin: "AAAHH! It didn't work!"

Anthony: "You want some water?"

Roscoe: "How about warm milk?"

Rusty: "Do you want some water?"

Calvin: "Wait. Why are they being nice to me?"

Donatello: "Aw. Want us to stay until you fall asleep, Citrine?"

Calvin: *confused* "Citrine?"

[Calvin looks around to see his nails painted and his room is now very girly, there's a photo of her and a female version of Ferrell. and he finds out in his mirror that he had turned into a girl named Citrine.]

Citrine: "I'M IN THE WRONG DIMENSION!"

[Citrine screams in horror and then the scene immediately changes back to Calvin. It turns out Calvin was having a nightmare; His room is the same as it was and he's still Calvin.]

Calvin: "Oh, thank goodness. It was all just a nightmare."

[His sisters barge in response of his scream.]

Lamirar: *concerned* "We heard you scream! Are you okay? Here's Bit-Bit, Calvo."

[His sisters comfort him after his scare.]

Diamond: "Lilac will kiss it and make it all better."

Calvin: "Thanks, girls. You're the best."

[Lilac kisses his sister]

Calvin: "It's good to be home. I'll never complain about having sisters again."

[As they embrace for a caring moment, the girls realize what he just said.]

Rose Quartz: "Wait. What?"

Calvin: "I mean, you know, the nuns."

[Diamond notices a wristwatch and picks it up.]

Diamond: "Calvin, is this yours? It fell on the floor."

[Calvin screams, tosses it on the floor, and stomps it into pieces.]

Lamirar: *murky* "That was literally mine! You are so gonna pay!"

Calvin: *in fear* "Please don't stick my head down the toilet!"

Lamirar: "What? I meant with money."

Calvin: "Oh, of course. That's more than fair."

Rose Quartz: *scorn* "Breaking Lamirar’s watch? You sir have no class!"

[The sisters all go back to bed.]

Calvin: *to the audience* "Well, not only do I now know why they find that one episode offensive, but I’m so glad my sisters are nothing like my brothers."

[Ruby comes back in]

Ruby: "Hey, Calvin, I almost forgot something." * *she shot with a water gun to Calvin and runs off laughing*

Calvin: *annoyed* "Except for Ruby."